Abuser or not?

This is not just another article, but a real question from one of our clients.

So we will be sincerely grateful to each man for his independent and honest opinion and explanation. A woman can support another woman in a difficult situation, but a woman cannot explain to another woman what is happening to her husband and what it means. Instead, a man understands another man without words; and an act that a woman can ignore or miss, a man will immediately understand what is the matter.

That is why we direct to you, men, and ask you to help our lady understand the reason for her husband's incomprehensible attitude towards her.

We will not mention the real names of the characters for reasons of ethics and personal space, but we will describe the situations, from the lady's words, that are happening, and you, if you understand what is happening, comment.

So, let's get acquainted with our couple: Tanya and Oliver. They have been living together in Europe for almost 2 years.

Before russia's full-scale invasion of Ukraine, Oliver and Tanya had been dating for 9 months, but in winter 2022, Oliver asked Tanya to move to Europe to live with him. Actually, this is where their life together began.

The language barrier initially created misunderstandings in everyday life, because each of us, both women and men, has our own bachelor habits and preferences, but Tanya persistently learned the language and the reason was no longer in the lack of knowledge of the language.

Over time, everyday misunderstandings began to transform into insults, because remarks from Oliver began to be perceived by Tanya as reproaches and constant dissatisfaction with her. It seemed that Oliver regretted that he invited Tanya to move in with him. That he did it because of the war, and not because he was ready for a life together.

He often stayed late at work or came home and did not leave his room for several hours to rest. We must say that Oliver’s work requires concentration and constant communication with people. In addition, Oliver received a significant promotion at work, but it was necessary to work in another city. Therefore, he lived in another city for 5 days, and Tanya stayed to take care of the house in her husband's absence, waiting for him at home every Friday.

The closeness that existed during the first 9 months of the relationship turned into a distance between them.

But despite the fact that when Tanya was packing things to leave Oliver, he was aware of the loss, apologized, and assured her that this was the last time they would have a misunderstanding. Unfortunately, over time, everything happened again.

We have to say from the lady’s words that when Oliver apologizes, you believe him and have no doubts about his words. He says this sincerely and with sadness in his heart and promises that this is the last misunderstanding between them. He explains this by the fact that he lived alone for a long time and perhaps he doesn’t know how to live with a woman.

For example, let's describe a couple of situations: Tanya was unpacking products from packages that Oliver brought. By chance, due to ignorance or inattention, she mistook the cheese with multi-colored sprinkles for baking sprinkles and took it to the basement for storage instead of the refrigerator.

When it turned out in the evening that Tanya took the cheese to the basement, Oliver was very annoyed that the cheese he bought would spoil there because of Tanya's inattention.

The husband's mood deteriorated and he completely refused the dinner that his wife had prepared.

In the morning, Oliver apologized profusely for his abrupt behavior and for leaving her to eat dinner alone. He can't stand when products spoil due to improper storage. And he couldn't believe that cheese with colored sprinkles could be mistaken for baking sprinkles. But during the night, the man calmed down and apologized. Tanya forgave him.

Oliver is also very annoyed when Tanya leaves the room and does not close the door behind her. He always remarks to her that she does not understand what it is like to pay utility bills in Europe.

Oliver explains that since the heating is on, the heat leaves the room and the room becomes cold, but the hallway will not get warmer anyway. Because of this, large payments come, because the batteries start working harder since the door remains open.

Oliver is a pedant in life and it is very important for him that everything is in its place and that everyone follows the rules. But according to Tanya, he has changed a lot and continues to change for the worse.

And the actual question from the lady herself:

By his actions, does Oliver want to get me to leave him alone, because he can't break the relationship first?

If so, why is he profusely apologizing and promising to make things right when I'm packing to leave?

Is Oliver a perfectionist or just a man who would rather live alone?

We will be grateful for your advice and comments.

Thank you very much for your support!

With best regards,

‘Wife Ukraine’ team